


when is a mistake not a mistake (oh when you love it)

by BeStillMySlashyHeart



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Cheating, Infidelity, M/M, POV Outsider, Post-Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21815992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStillMySlashyHeart/pseuds/BeStillMySlashyHeart
Summary: Maria isn't an idiot, she knows the signs, she just wanted them to be wrong.Post season one fic with established Miluca and cheating MalexChapter one from Maria POV, chapter two from Alex POV, chapter three from Michael POV
Relationships: Maria DeLuca/Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 30
Kudos: 277





	1. she should've known

Sometimes you fuck up.

Either you know you’re about to fuck up and you do it anyway because the outcome(s) is worth it.

Or you realize later that you fucked up but that’s okay because the outcome(s) was worth it.

Or you realize later that you fucked up and that you fucked up  _ bad _ .

Maria was trying to decide which one applied to her. Michael Guerin was her fuck up, there was no question about it, but the exact nature of the fuck up was still to be determined.

She knew when he kissed her, when she kissed him back, when she invited him up to her apartment, that it had a very real chance of being a mistake. But she thought it was worth it. She thought, spending time with a guy she cared about, a guy who cared about her, wouldn’t be the end of the world. The world might suck for a bit because of it but it would recover.

It would.

…

It didn’t. 

The first few days were hard. Maria had insisted she be the one to talk to Alex about her and Michael’s new relationship and though Michael fought her on it, he eventually relented. That conversation had been painful. Maria knew Alex had feelings for Michael, that he was feeling hopeful that something might happen between them again, but Michael had assured her that whatever they had was long over. Still, it wasn’t an easy thing to tell your best friend you were dating the ex he still had feelings for.

In hindsight, Maria was pretty sure that conversation was the end of their friendship. Oh, Alex never came right out and said anything, but he also became increasingly cold and distant after their talk. 

She’d thought that was the end of it. One painful conversation, maybe a few weeks of things being awkward between them, but then they’d be okay. She didn’t think Michael Guerin had the power to come between them.

The next few months showed her how very wrong she was. She only ever saw Alex when they had to be in the same place at the same time. Every time, he’d give her a cordial nod and then essentially ignore her existence.

She almost wished the same could be said for Michael.

If she’d seen them together before- well  _ before _ , she’s not sure what she would’ve done. Part of her thought maybe she would’ve cut her losses and kicked Michael out of the bar that day he came by but a larger part of her knew she still would’ve kissed him. Even if she made the same choice, she wished she’d had all of the information, though, because whatever they had was  _ not _ long over. For all that Alex gave her the mother of all cold shoulders while staying achingly polite, he couldn’t contain the fire inside him when it came to Michael. They were like magnets, desperate to connect. When they were in a group setting, usually working on reviving Max or sifting through the remnants of Project Shepherd, they were so in sync it hurt to watch. Alex would hold out a hand for something, the request on his lips, and Michael would already be there with whatever it was. Every time Michael would start to get worked up about something, a few quiet words from Alex could get him to simmer down until they finished what they were working on.

But it was the times she saw them together outside of the group setting that really got to her. She and Alex hadn’t been alone together since the day they talked and Maria had foolishly thought the same was true for Michael and Alex until the day she drove over to Sanders’ to surprise Michael with lunch. She saw Alex’s car before she saw the men themselves and she pulled over out of sight and rolled the windows down. She didn’t get out of the car. She didn’t need to.

“Are you out of your mind?!” Michael’s voice carried easily across the scrapyard. “Why the hell would you do that?”

There was a brief silence as she assumed Alex replied in a normal speaking voice and then- “Fuck you, Guerin! You’ve made it very clear you don’t give a shit so don’t-”

“I don’t-” Michael cut off with a loud groan followed by the sound of metal scrap shaking and clattering against each other. “You know what? Fine! Do whatever the hell you want, Alex! It’s all you ever do.” His voice quieted towards the end but he was still speaking too loudly.

The rest of their conversation was lost as they lowered their voices. As curious as Maria was about what they were talking about, she was almost thankful to miss the rest of it. That was the most emotion she’d heard from Michael in months. He’d been lost in a haze of grief and alcohol for most of their time together and though he’d been getting better, he really only had two speeds: melancholy and anger. This? Despite the shouting, Maria had heard the fear in his voice, the concern as he talked to  _ Alex _ . 

A car door slammed and Alex’s car sped past her a moment later; a loud crash echoed in his wake. Maria spent a minute collecting herself before she swung her own car around to pull up next to the Airstream. Michael was outside, hard at work on something. Around him lay destruction.

Metal scrap was laying every which way like a tornado had hit a pile and flung its contents to the four corners.

“Michael?” She stepped cautiously through the yard.

Michael’s shoulders tensed before relaxing and he turned to her with an attempt at a smile playing on his lips. “Hey,” he kissed her lightly. “What are you doing here?”

Maria held up the bag from the Crashdown. “Brought lunch.” Michael’s smile turned genuine and she handed over the bag. “Did I see Alex drive out of here on my way in?”

Michael froze, a burger already unwrapped and halfway to his mouth. “Yeah?” He took a bite. “He stopped by.”

“I didn’t realize you two were talking,” she swallowed the lump in her throat. “He won’t talk to me. I guess I just assumed that was the same for you.”

“It’s not like we’re talking,” Michael took another bite. “He dropped off some Project Shepherd files. Valenti was supposed to do it but he got called into work, I guess.” He shrugged. “He was only here for a minute.”

Maria’s stomach clenched. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Michael finished his burger and tossed the wrapper in the bag before searching around for his water bottle. “I think it will be a long time before Alex and I are anything close to friends. You two will work it out, I’m sure. He and I? Not so much.”

She nodded slowly. “I wouldn’t count on that.”

“You two have been friends a long time.” Michael pulled her into a loose hug. “He’s mad right now but he’ll get over it.” Maria wasn’t sure if he was mad so much as in pain, if she was honest with herself but she trusted that when it came to matters of Alex’s heart, Michael was more of an expert than her. If he thought that’s all it was, she could give Alex time.

\---

Time didn’t do shit. If anything, Alex grew more distant. He pulled away from almost everyone except Kyle. If it was related to Project Shepherd or resurrecting Max, Alex was there 100% but for anything else? He was practically a ghost. 

Except for the part where he still talked to Michael.

Michael never said a word and Maria never saw them together on their own after the one time at the scrapyard but she learned to read the signs. Michael would get worked up over something, then for a day or so he’d been so angry he positively radiated with it, and then it’d be over. He’d be back to his usual self; charming, wise cracking, there for her when he needed her. And overly affectionate. It was like he was trying to make up for talking to Alex by peppering her with more kisses and hand holding and sex than usual. 

It was impossibly small of her but she couldn’t deny that she got a tiny thrill the few times Michael was in that mood and they ran across Alex in town. One day, after one of Michael’s worst mood swings, they were walking to the Crashdown, hands linked as they strolled and Michael pulled her into a kiss on a street corner while they waited for the light to change. He pressed a featherlight kiss to her nose as he pulled away and she couldn’t hold back her smile, not that she tried. It was really nice to have this, this partner to hold hands with, to kiss when she felt like it, to share small moments like this with. Michael had pulled away to cross the street and Maria had caught sight of Alex a few stores down on the opposite side of the street, his face stony as he stared at their linked hands. By the time they crossed the street, Alex was gone, turned and disappeared the opposite way. Michael had never seen him.

It was when the gifts started appearing that she got worried. Michael showed up to the bar one day while she was doing inventory with a small bouquet of flowers. She didn’t have time to do much more besides smell them before Michael started taking their clothes off. It was the first time they’d had sex on her bar and Maria decided to take it as a sign that Michael was getting more comfortable in their relationship. When the chocolates appeared, followed by the bottle of her favorite perfume, she chalked it up to Isobel telling Michael how to be a good boyfriend. 

It didn’t stop her from pounding on Liz’s door late one night, though. 

“Maria?” Liz eased the door open, her eyes droopy. “What’s wrong?”

“I think I fucked up.”

Liz ushered her inside and Maria parked herself on the couch as she wrapped herself in a blanket. Liz joined her a moment later with a bottle of wine. “What happened?”

“Michael,” Maria sighed. “I think maybe it might have been a mistake for us to be together.”

“You two are good together, Maria,” Liz reached out and gave her hand a squeeze. “You’re so good for him and he makes you smile.”

“Yeah,” she smiled. “He does.”

“Why do you think it was a mistake?”

“Alex?” Maria shrugged and pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders. “He won’t even talk to me, Liz. It’s like I’m a stranger to him.” She grabbed the bottle of wine and took a swig. “I know it was dick move dating his ex but I thought he just needed time to get over it? I gave him space, I didn’t push, I just- I thought we’d get back to normal? But it’s been almost six months and he still won’t talk to me.”

“He’s in love with Michael,” Liz told her softly. “It hurts to see Michael with someone else.”

“They had something a long time ago, though! It’s been over for a while. I don’t understand why he can’t accept Michael moving on. And, honestly, if he really loved Michael wouldn’t he want him to be happy? Because he is happy. With me.”

Liz set the bottle on the table and pulled Maria until she was squished up next to her. “I can’t tell you what Alex is feeling. He doesn’t talk to me, or anyone really, and the only times I’ve seen him and Michael together, you’ve been there too, so I don’t really have any insight into their relationship.” Maria tensed at the word. “Maria?”

“Do you think they could be-?” Maria asked in a small voice, unable to actually put it into words.

“What? Cheating?” Liz shook her head. “Alex may be angry but he’d never do that to you. And Michael adores you, that’s obvious.”

“It’s just- Michael’s started bringing me little presents and there are days when he’s just, I don’t know, more? Like he kisses me more, he’s hornier, almost clingy? And I know those are supposed to be signs of cheating, right?” 

“Maybe he’s just trying to be a better boyfriend?” Liz suggested. “He was so wrapped up in his own shit when you two started dating that he might just be trying to make up for it now.”

“Yeah,” Maria agreed softly, clinging to the easy explanation. “You’re probably right. Michael wouldn’t cheat on me.”

\---

A month later Liz had a breakthrough in her research to save Max and called everyone to the caves at 2am. Her excitement to save Max was infectious despite everyone’s frustrations at being called out of bed for something that could easily wait until morning.

Maria got over her own grumblings pretty quickly when she saw how happy Liz and Isobel were. She knew Michael would be equally as thrilled as soon as he arrived and saw what Liz had come up with. 

And she was right. He was so happy he was positively beaming.

While wearing Alex’s shirt. 

And his boots.

They arrived separately, bare moments apart, but one look at them and Maria knew. Maybe it was the obvious sex hair or it was the hickey behind Michael’s ear that she hadn’t put there or it was the mismatched clothes or maybe it was how relaxed Michael looked. He was happy, obviously, but there was an ease to his shoulders that Maria was sure she’d never seen. It was like all of the anger and the frustration and the pain he carried around with him constantly was gone. 

Max took his first breath in seven months and three days and Michael turned to Alex with a breathless smile.

Maria walked out.

\---

“How long?” Michael had barely stepped through the door but Maria wasn’t waiting.

“How lo-” Michael genuinely seemed confused.

“How long have you and Alex been back together?” She poured another shot and tossed it back as the color drained from Michael’s face. “How long have you been fucking him behind my back?”

Michael sat down heavily in the chair across from her. “Maria-”

“How. Long?”

“That’s, um, I can’t-”

“Jesus Christ, Michael, it’s not a hard question.”

“We’re not together,” he told her earnestly, his face open and honest. “We’re not.”

“I don’t care,” Maria sighed. “How long have you been fucking him and then coming here to fuck me?”

“It’s not like that. It’s-”

“I don’t care, Michael,” she yelled. “I don’t care about the particular nature of the relationship between my boyfriend and his ex who he told me he was over. I just want to know how long I’ve been an idiot for.”

“It’s just sex, Maria.” Maria scoffed and fisted the shot glass, her arm aching to throw it at him. “It’s just- we just-” he stopped and sighed. “About six months?”

Her blood ran cold. “You’ve been with Alex the entire time we’ve been dating?”

“You’re making it seem like I was dating both of you,” Michael protested. “Me and him, we just- honestly, we just can’t seem to stop sleeping with each other. The first time was about a month after Max died. I was drunk. He came to pick me off the floor of the Saturn’s Rings and he took me home. I sucked him off in the car and then-”

“I don’t need details, Jesus, Guerin.”

“It’s just sex, Maria.”

“Where were you last night? And Tuesday? And last weekend?” Maria could keep going. Michael had spent about a month sleeping in her bed every night but for the last two he’d only made the occasional overnight appearance. Michael looked away from her. “Riiight. It’s just sex. Sex that results in spending the night. Just sex with someone who’s in love with you. It-”

“Alex isn’t in love with me.” Maria laughed so hard she started choking. Michael got her a glass of water and stared at her with wide eyes. “He’s not.”

“Oh he absolutely is,” Maria drank half the glass. “Why do you think he won’t speak to me? Or come around me? For fuck’s sake, Guerin, he turns around and walks the opposite direction if he sees us together on the street!”

“He what?”

Maria stared at him. “You’re not this stupid.”

“He may have loved me once, but that was a long time ago. Too much has happened for us to-”

“You don’t choose who you love, Michael. God knows if I had a choice, I wouldn’t have chosen you. My life would have been a lot easier.” She shook her head. “Get out.”

“Maria-”

“Get out and stay away from me for a while. I’m not going to play relationship therapist for the two people who just spent months fucking me over and making me look like an idiot. Fuck you. And get the fuck out.”

Michael didn’t move.

“Get out!”

“Maria, I-” 

“I swear to god if the next word out of your mouth is love I will punch you.” Michael snapped his mouth shut. “Tell me something, Guerin. Are you going to be able to stay away? After you leave tonight, will you be able to leave me alone or will we wind up back in my bed in a month?”

“If you want me to go, I’ll go.”

“You’ll be able to resist coming back? You’re not going to end up on my door one night or in the bar all drunk and horny?”

“No.”

“Then why couldn’t you resist Alex?” Maria breathed heavily as she fought back the tears. “If you think you love me but you can resist me, then why not  _ Alex _ ?”

Michael’s face screwed up in a visible apology. “Because he’s Alex.”

Maria scoffed. “Get out of my house. Now.”

Michael left.

Maria followed a week later. For all her words about resisting her and getting out of her life, she missed Michael. She missed him like a missing limb and she wanted him. 

If he could manage just sex with Alex, they should be able to do it, right?

She saw the car first.

With a heavy heart, she pulled off to the side like she’d done that first day she’d seen them together. This time, though, she got out of the car and walked the rest of the way. 

She wished she hadn’t.

Alex was sitting on a blanket, perched on the edge of the lowered liftgate of Michael’s truck, not a stitch of clothing on him. Michael stood between his legs, equally naked, as they exchanged long languid kisses. She heard them saying something in between kisses but she was too far away to make out the words. 

She startled when Michael burst out laughing, helpless giggles that she’d never heard before. He bent over and pressed his forehead to Alex’s collarbone, the other man smiling brightly as he tangled his fingers in Michael’s hair. Maria watched for a minute more as they smiled and laughed their way through more kisses, only turning to go when things started to progress.

She didn’t notice the tears on her cheeks until she got back in her car and caught sight of her reflection. She wiped at them absently as she drove away. 

Later, as she lay curled in Liz’s lap, the other woman stroking her hair, she realized the truth. 

“It was a mistake. All of it.”


	2. he should've cared

He tried, he really did. Michael had asked him for space, had asked him to keep his distance so he wasn’t constantly reminded of Caulfield, and Alex had listened. For a month, Alex had watched as Michael grew closer to Maria even as he self destructed in rather spectacular fashion. During the day he ran the risk of seeing the two of them walking down the street holding hands or sharing a meal at the Crashdown, a milkshake between them with two straws. Alex lasted all of nine days before he started actively avoiding going into town during the day. But that just meant he had to witness Michael in all his night time glory. He couldn’t be sure, on account of not talking to Maria at all and not talking to anyone else  _ about _ Maria, but he was fairly confident Michael hadn’t actually confessed to all of the drinking and sleeping around he was doing. Alex saw Michael’s truck at the Pony a couple of times but more often he saw him parked out back of the Saturn’s Rings. A few times, Michael had been in his truck, and not alone, and a few times Alex had had to go into the bar to find Michael. 

It was late, late enough that Michael’s car was one of the dwindling few in the parking lot, when Alex drove by the bar. He ignored the fact that he had no reason to be in town this late and certainly no reason to be in this part of town ever. Michael was still at the bar. Alex pulled into the lot and idled as far away as he could get, hoping Michael was about to walk outside and somehow not see him lurking there. He gave it 15 minutes. In that time, all but one other car left the lot. He gave it another minute; still no Michael. 

With a sigh, Alex pulled around until he was right in front of the entrance and parked. He put his hazard lights on and slammed the door as he got out. 

“Hey!” He yelled when he met with a locked front door. He banged loudly for a few seconds and then waited for someone to come answer. Not even a minute later, the door cracked open.

“We’re closed, dude, go home.” Alex shot a hand through the crack before the door could close.

“I’m looking for Michael Guerin. Curly hair? Black cowboy hat?” Alex jerked his head towards the parking lot. “His truck’s still here.”

The man sighed and opened the door. “Yeah, he’s here. I was about to call the Sheriff to send someone over and get him out of here.”

Alex followed him inside without another word. The lights were on bright and the chairs were stacked on tables and Michael was laying face down on the floor by the bar. He trudged over with a heavy sigh. “Guerin,” he shook Michael’s shoulder. Michael turned his face towards Alex with a groan. “Come on, Guerin, time to get up. I can’t actually carry you.”

“‘Lex?” 

“Yeah,” Alex pulled at his shoulder. “Come on.”

Michael groaned loudly before putting his hands on the ground and pushing up to his knees. He pitched forward almost immediately and Alex shot a hand out to stop him from face planting again. “Do you have a bottle of water?” He asked the guy. The bottle appeared in front of him before he’d even finished asking. “Thanks.”

“Need a hand?”

Alex looked at Michael and then down at his leg. Two years ago, he’d have been able to carry Michael out of here no problem but now… “Maybe. Give me a minute to see if I can get him on his feet first.”

“Well hurry up. I’m about to lock up.”

Alex nodded. “Hey,” he laid a hand on Michael’s back. “My car is right outside. I just need you to make it to the front door.” Michael turned his head to glare at him. The effect was slightly ruined by the fact that Michael couldn’t seem to actually focus on him. “C’mon Michael. Let’s get you home.”

Michael closed his eyes and nodded slowly. With a groan, he pushed up onto his knees and grabbed at the bartop. He heaved himself to his feet with no small amount of aid from Alex to steady him. Once he had his feet under him and had stopped listing to the side, Alex slipped under his arm and together they made it outside. Michael’s hat was tossed onto the ground next to them as the front door was locked immediately. Alex rolled his eyes and made a note to tell Michael to steer clear for a few days. He was pretty sure the bartender or whoever would not be happy to see him again for a while.

The passenger door flung open with enough force to send it bouncing back to the car. It stopped just before it slammed and opened again, gentler this time. Alex looked at Michael sharply. “Guerin?”

“What happened to Michael?” He wasn’t slurring nearly as much as Alex would’ve thought he should be. Alex stopped in place, Michael swaying as he took an extra step without Alex’s support.

“How drunk are you?”

“Pretty drunk,” Michael admitted. “Not nearly as drunk as I was a few hours ago, though.” He let go of Alex and staggered the last few steps to the car. “Get my hat, will you?”

Alex stared after him as he closed the door before turning and grabbing the hat. He dropped it in the backseat as he slid behind the wheel. “Where should I take you?” He assumed the Airstream but Michael’s truck had been at the Pony enough early mornings to know Michael spent more than a few nights at Maria’s.

“Home,” Michael sighed as he shifted in his seat, his eyes slipping closed.

Alex pulled out of the lot without another word. He spared a thought for Michael’s truck sitting all alone but no one was desperate enough to steal Michael’s piece of crap and he knew Michael never left anything worth stealing in it. He drove slowly through the deserted streets of Roswell, inexplicably taking the long way back to Sanders’ as he listened to the soft sounds of Michael’s breathing. 

He was so focused on not looking at Michael that the hand on his crotch startled him. The car swerved as Alex jerked the wheel. “What the fuck?” He glanced from the road to Michael. Michael was just gazing at him calmly, his hand not moving from where it rested over Alex’s dick. When Alex didn’t forcibly remove it, Michael seemed to take it as permission to continue. In the space of a few short seconds, Michael had his pants unbuttoned and unzipped and had a hand on Alex’s bare cock. 

“Guerin-” Alex warned as he grabbed Michael’s wrist. He was still driving. “Let go. You’re drunk.”  _ And with Maria _ .

Michael leaned over his armrest and smirked. “I’m not that drunk, Alex.” In one smooth motion he leaned over further and took Alex’s dick in his mouth. Alex let out an involuntary gasp and felt Michael grin around him. His tongue swirled around the tip, Alex’s reaction clearly just making Michael more determined.

“Shit,” Alex hissed as he slammed on the breaks. They skidded to a stop in the middle of the road. “Guerin-” His hand found its way into Michael’s curls without him noticing and he gripped tightly, holding Michael in place for a moment before pulling him off. “Don’t.”

“But I want to,” Michael honest to god pouted, his hand stroking Alex gently. “Don’t you want me to, Alex?”

He did. He really fucking did. Alex had always had a hard time telling Michael no, especially when it came to sex but- “You’re drunk. And I’m driving.”

“Again, not that drunk,” Michael told him. And, honestly, Alex believed him. Michael might have been passed out on the floor of a dingy bar not twenty minutes earlier but Alex knew what a drunk Michael looked like and this wasn’t it. Sure, he’d clearly had a few and he’d probably been utterly shitfaced at some point in the evening but right now? Right now his eyes were clear and focused on Alex, his voice held no trace of the drink, and his hands were sure. “And we’re here.” Michael nodded out the window and Alex lifted his head to see the entrance to Sanders’ a hundred yards away. 

“Fuck me,” Alex cursed as he drove the last tiny stretch. Michael’s hand never left him. 

“I’m trying.”

Alex groaned as he parked the car. “Get out.”

Michael nodded and was out of the car in seconds, leaving Alex oddly bereft as he sat there with his dick hanging out. But he was only alone for a few seconds before the driver’s side door was yanked open and Michael was right there. “Come on,” he urged softly, his hands undoing his seatbelt and tugging at his hips, trying to turn Alex to face him. His lips found their way to Alex’s neck. “Come on, Alex.”

Alex held on for a very long minute before caving. “Yeah, okay,” he sighed as Michael found that spot just under his jaw. He felt Michael smile before he nipped gently and pulled away. This time, Alex needed the steadying force as they made their way into the Airstream.

Once inside, Alex felt himself falling in the face of Michael’s desire and want like a dream. His hands buried themselves in the gorgeous curls even as they tugged at Michael’s clothes.

He groaned into it all, moaned as Michael’s mouth moved down to his neck and nipped the skin there, clearly uncaring of leaving a mark. Michael’s hands roamed across his skin, his nails scaping in just the right places. It felt like a passionate dance, the steps of which he could never forget. Their skin slid against each other just right as they tumbled into the tiny bed. Their hands never stopped moving, not even as Michael carefully removed the prosthetic, and their mouths tangled in the age old dance that they both knew so very well.

They were both too riled up to do much other than just touch, their hips moving together effortlessly as they kissed each other breathless. It took Alex by surprise when they reached their climax together, come mingling between them on their bellies, both of them left panting into each other’s mouths. 

He waited until Michael had fallen asleep, waited for a bit longer to watch him sleep, then waited longer still until he couldn’t any more before he put the prosthetic back on and left, getting in the car with a well of shame in his heart. Being with Michael had felt like coming home. Only it wasn’t his home anymore. It was someone else’s.

\---

Three days later, Alex still had Michael’s hat in his backseat. He hadn’t noticed it the morning after- well, the morning after. It was only when Michael texted him a full day later that he realized he still had it. Returning it seemed like such a simple thing. It was a hat. All Alex had to do was drive over and hand it to him and then leave. Or he could even just leave it in the Airstream and never have to even see Michael. 

Yeah, that sounded better.

It still took him two days to work up the nerve to do it. He pulled into Sanders’ late one afternoon, late enough that the scrapyard was closed but early enough that Michael shouldn’t be home with his flavor of the night yet. The unofficial parking lot by Michael’s trailer was empty and Alex let out a breath. He grabbed the hat and made his way quickly to the door. Michael never locked it so Alex yanked it open without a thought. He was up the stairs, his hand outstretched to drop the hat on the table and go when he froze. Slowly, he turned his head to the side.

“Most people knock when entering someone else’s home,” Michael smirked. He was standing in the middle of the tiny hallway, a towel in his hand as he squeezed the water out of his curls. He was very, very naked.

“Just returning your hat,” Alex replied, his eyes caressing the miles of bare skin before him. “Your truck’s not outside.”

“Left it at Isobel’s.” Michael dropped the towel to the side. He didn’t move towards his closet. He didn’t move at all, actually. Michael just stood there, staring at Alex staring at him.

“Fuck,” Alex cursed as he dropped the hat and closed the distance between them in two long strides. Michael’s hands were on him after one. 

It felt the same as it always did, backing Michael against the counter and let his hands move freely along his still wet skin. The lube flying towards him by the grace of Michael’s telekinesis was new but Alex ignored it, drowning in Michael’s moans as he sucked a drop of water off of his neck.

He licked his way slowly down Michael’s chest, chasing the water droplets as he sank to his knees. Michael reached out to run his hands through Alex’s hair but Alex grabbed his hips and turned him around before he could. Michael bent over the counter slightly and Alex couldn’t resist the temptation. He leaned forward and licked a stripe over Michael’s hole to the reward of a keening noise from Michael. He grabbed the lube from where Michael had dropped it on the ground and squeezed it onto his fingers as he continued licking, laving over Michael’s ass with his tongue to the obvious enjoyment of the other man.

His fingers came into play a moment later, slowly but surely opening Michael up. He opened his pants with his other hand, relieving some of the pressure. He was hard, and more than ready to be inside Michael. As was Michael, if him turning slightly to help Alex get up was any indication. Funny how it didn’t seem like pity from Michael.

“Condom?” He whispered into Michael’s ear, biting the lobe slightly as Michael shuddered. A condom was thrust into his hand a second later, and he wasted no time putting it on. Neither did he waste time getting inside Michael, slowly but steadily pushing inside him until his pelvis was snug against Michael’s ass. He gave him a moment to adjust before losing himself in the familiar rhythm that came as naturally as breathing. Michael reached back and gripped Alex’s hip even as he dropped his head onto Alex’s shoulder. Alex leaned down to nip gently at Michael’s neck, careful not to leave any marks. Around them, Michael’s research, his dishes, and even his towel, began to vibrate and lift into the air. Alex buried his smile in Michael’s neck, thrilled to the core that he could make Michael lose even an inch of control. Their cosmic connection was still alive and undeniable, in spite of their separation.

For a blissful few hours he forgot Michael wasn’t his.

\---

It was a little amazing really how often they crossed paths over the next three weeks. Earlier in the year they managed to go almost two months without accidentally seeing each other and Alex had spent a month actively avoiding running into Michael (and Maria) but suddenly it was like they couldn’t escape one another. And every time, they ended up having sex. Sometimes they only had time for a handjob in a dark corner or a discrete blowjob in a car but it was always something. 

And all throughout, Michael kept going back to Maria. 

The first time Alex saw them together on the street after, the sight of their linked hands made him so nauseous he almost threw up then and there. He held it together enough to flee down a side street before they saw him. After that, he managed to avoid Michael for six whole days before Kyle inadvertently forced them together.

They’d found something in the Project Shepherd files that Michael and Isobel needed to know. Typically, Kyle was the one to ferry information over to the siblings but he’d gotten called into work and so he’d left the files with Alex. Unfortunately, it was the kind of information that Alex felt couldn’t wait until Kyle was free so he headed over to Isobel’s place only to find her gone. He waited for almost two hours before giving up and driving over to Sanders’. It was the middle of a workday, surely Michael would be too busy for sex.

Turns out he was only half right. Michael  _ was  _ busy, slammed in fact, but it didn’t stop him from pressing Alex up against a workbench and sucking his soul out through his dick. Alex only managed a handjob in return, unwilling to pull his lips away from Michael’s to properly return the favor.

“So what’s the occasion?” Michael asked as they tucked themselves away.

Alex nodded his head at the files he’d dropped on the table when Michael attacked him with his lips. “Found some new information in the Project Shepherd files. Kyle meant to bring them by but he got called into work so…”

Michael smirked. “You avoiding me, Alex?” Alex just shot him a look. Michael huffed a laugh and flipped through the file. “How much longer do you have?”

“Sorry?” Alex was confused.

Michael held up the open file. “To keep going through this crap. I’m assuming you won’t have access after your service is up so how much more time do we have to get through everything?” 

Alex froze. “Uh, about four years.”

Now Michael stilled. Slowly, he looked up from the file to meet Alex’s eyes. “I thought you were almost done?”

“I was,” Alex agreed. “I re-upped.”

“Are you out of your mind?!” Alex took a step back at Michael’s sudden shout. “Why the hell would you do that?”

“You said it yourself, we’d lose access to the files as soon as I was discharged. I re-upped so that wouldn’t happen.”

“So you just sign away more of your life to the goddamn Air Force?!” Michael just barely contained his shout.

Alex was suddenly furious. “Fuck you, Guerin! You’ve made it very clear you don’t give a shit so don’t-”

“I don’t-” Michael cut him off with a loud groan as the scrap around them started to shake. “You know what? Fine! Do whatever the hell you want, Alex! It’s all you ever do.” His voice quieted towards the end. 

Alex laughed mirthlessly. “Whatever the hell  _ I  _ want, huh?” He shook his head. “I’m not doing this for shits and giggles, Michael.”

“Don’t,” Michael warned. “Don’t you dare put this on me. I never wanted you anywhere near the fucking military, Alex.”

Alex nodded. “I know. But it’s the only way to keep you safe, so…” Michael stared at him, his jaw slack. “I should go.” Alex turned and left, the file laying open behind him. He made a mental note to send Kyle back for it later. He slammed his door as he got into his car and he drove away. A flash of red caught his eye as he pulled out and he winced when he recognized Maria’s old truck. There was a loud crash behind him as scrap went flying in his rearview mirror but Alex didn’t stop and he didn’t turn around.

\---

This time, they made it eight days before Michael showed up at the cabin with the file in his hand. They yelled. Michael slammed a door. Alex threw a bottle at the wall. 

And then they fucked on the kitchen floor.

Afterwards, Michael went back to Maria.

\---

The next four months or so went by in similar patterns. They’d cross paths, they’d have sex and they’d fight, then they’d spend a few days avoiding each other until they inevitably crossed paths again and the cycle would repeat.

Slowly, achingly slowly, the pattern changed. After a month, the number of fights dwindled until they started having actual conversations with each other. There was an odd comfort, a strange ease really, in spilling their guts to each other without the pressure of a relationship. As much as Michael continuing to date Maria hurt him, Alex reveled in the freedom it gave him to say whatever he needed to to Michael because he no longer had the fear of losing him. He didn’t have him, not really, so there was nothing to lose. 

Though the fighting stopped, however, the habitual avoidance afterwards continued for at least another month. Turns out baring their souls and actually talking about their issues made them steer clear of each other more than anything else. Alex wishes he could be surprised. 

Everything changed on Michael’s birthday.

It was the middle of the summer, six months after Max died, five months after they’d started whatever it was they were doing. Alex knew they were having a party for Isobel and Michael, had turned down Liz’s invitation (and subsequent phone calls), but didn’t bring it up to Michael. He had no idea what he was supposed to do. Was he supposed to get his whatever they were a birthday gift? Was he supposed to celebrate with him? 

Alex never actually considered going. As much as he might want to be there with Michael, to celebrate with him, he knew he couldn’t. Not when Maria was going to be there. Not when he would have to see her, see them together. 

In the end, he just left a gift wrapped box in Michael’s truck when he saw it parked at the Wild Pony. He didn’t leave a card or even sign it, just left the box on the front seat and drove away.

Michael showed up at his door just after midnight, the box clutched in his hands, now unwrapped.

“Happy birthday,” Alex greeted. He didn’t step out of the doorway and he didn’t invite Michael in. Something about the party tonight had struck a chord in him and he knew he couldn’t keep doing this much longer. He couldn’t be the mistress or whatever it was he was. He couldn’t keep hurting Maria, even if she didn’t know it yet.

Michael stared at the box, turning it over in his hands. He hadn’t actually said anything yet. Alex looked at the box. It wasn’t large. Alex hadn’t known what to buy Michael so he’d just tossed a few things in the box and wrapped it up.

One of the things inside was a usb drive with footage of Mara in Caulfield. He’d gone through and pieced together all of the footage of her he could find, careful to remove any video of her outside of the cell. There were just certain things Michael never needed to see. But Alex could give him everything else.

There was also an old Eagles t-shirt inside. Years ago, Michael had gone to a game (his only pro sporting event, Alex was fairly sure) and he’d bought the shirt. Alex had stolen it not long after and kept it close as a reminder of Michael when he was far away. Now he gave it back.

There were a few photos, one from the summer after high school but the rest from Michael’s visits over the years. 

A few other small things were tucked away in the box but Alex wasn’t sure Michael had gotten to those yet. He had a hand inside the flap and was fingering the shirt absently.

“Why’d you give this to me?” Michael’s voice was soft enough that Alex had to strain to hear him. Alex wasn’t sure if he meant the gift in general or the shirt in particular.

“It’s yours.” The answer was the same no matter what.

Michael finally pulled his eyes away from the box. “Alex.”

Alex sighed and leaned against the door frame. “It’s all your stuff, Guerin. I’m just giving it back to you.”

Michael stared for a moment before he crashing into him. Alex wasn’t expecting it so he couldn’t stop Michael from pushing his way into the house. The box dropped to the floor and the door slammed shut behind them but Alex could only really register the way Michael’s hands gripped him tight. 

It felt different from the very first kiss. Still passionate, still fueled with a burning want. But underneath, the lips on his stomach, the hands on his ass, the brush of skin against his felt different. It felt like a new beginning in Michael’s touch, a fresh start in the snap of Michael’s hip as he pushed inside him, a hopeful sensation as he pulled out slightly to push back in.

Everything felt hotter, Michael’s hands burning an invisible mark on his skin, his lips and teeth leaving untouchable imprints. Alex could feel him all over, could feel him in the long strokes of fingers, of his tongue running down the inside of his thigh, of his dick sensually moving inside of him.

Being on his back in his bed, all he felt was Michael moving in and around him, his vision, mind and feelings surrounded by him. It felt right, in the way many things hadn’t felt right in a while.

Michael was still there in the morning and all of Alex’s resolve to stop this withered away.

\---

Maria knew. She had to. She wasn’t this dumb, Alex thought perhaps unkindly as he watched Michael give her a large bouquet of flowers. Three other bouquets littered the back of the bar and Alex had to wonder what her apartment looked like if she was keeping the flowers down here.

Maria smiled, though, bright and happy as she leaned over the bar to kiss Michael in thanks. Michael’s shirt pulled up as he met her halfway and Alex almost choked on his drink as he saw the scratch marks on the small of his back. Scratch marks that definitely hadn’t been there when Michael showed up at his door last night. He waited until Maria disappeared into the back to find a vase before he made his way to the bar under the guise of ordering another drink.

He coughed delicately as the bartender stepped away to get him his drink. Michael turned his head slightly towards him but didn’t actually look at him. “You’ve got marks on your back,” he told him, only slightly apologetic as Michael stiffened next to him. He’d always been careful not to leave any marks on Michael, no matter how much he wanted to, but it seemed like he was getting sloppy. “Just- so you know.”

Michael nodded at him and he rejoined Kyle at their table without another word.

“You okay?” Kyle asked as he sat down.

Alex paused and looked at him. “Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

Kyle nodded towards Michael. “I know seeing him’s gotta be hard…” Alex almost choked on his drink. He forgot, sometimes, that everyone assumed he hadn’t seen or talked to Michael in months just because he hadn’t seen or talked to Maria.

“Gotta get over it sometime, right?” He shrugged.

Kyle gave him a curious look. “Right,” he agreed slowly. He glanced between Alex and Michael as if trying to figure out a puzzle but let the matter drop.

\---

He knew it had to happen at some time. He just hadn’t expected it to be the night Max came back. 

They’d gotten the calls as they were cooling down. In their hurry to get out to the caves as soon as possible, they’d grabbed blindly at the clothes on the ground and tugged them on indiscriminately. It was really only as Alex followed Michael into the cave that he realized Michael had his boots on and a shirt Alex had held on to since high school. He tugged at the collar of Michael’s shirt and ran a hand through his messy hair as he watched Maria’s face fall and turn to stone. Alex vowed to deal with the fallout later as he focused on the efforts to revive Max. Liz directed traffic and Isobel and Michael worked together until Max took one large gasp of breath. Liz and Isobel both sobbed happy tears while Michael turned to him with the most breathtaking smile. 

Maria brushed past him as she left but Alex couldn’t bring himself to care. He knew it was awful of him, that he was the worst kind of person, but he’d burn worlds for that smile. How could he ever have been expected to stay away?

\---

Alex didn’t see him for a week after Max came back. Michael texted a few times, small updates on Max’s recovery and reacclimation, but they didn’t speak, they didn’t see each other, and Alex had no idea what was going on with Maria.

Six days after Max rose from the dead, Alex drove out to Sanders’. He had no idea what he was doing or what he hoped would happen, he just knew he needed to see Michael.

Michael was slouched in one of this lawn chairs, a sealed bottle of acetone in his hands. “Do you love me? Are you  _ in  _ love with me?” He asked as soon as Alex stepped out of his car. He hadn’t even waited for Alex to close the door.

Alex froze in place before closing the door gently and walking over to stand in front of Michael. “Yes.”

Michael dropped the bottle and put his face in his hands. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

Alex scoffed. “You’re dating Maria.”

“Was.”

“What?”

“I was dating Maria. That’s done.” Alex couldn’t deny the happy jump his heart just made. “She said you’re in love with me but I didn’t believe her.”

“Why not?”

Michael shrugged helplessly. “You keep leaving.”

“And I always come back.” Alex paused. “I’m not going anywhere, Michael. At least, not if I have a say in it.” They both knew the Air Force could send him wherever the hell it wanted and Alex couldn’t refuse. But other than that… 

“I can’t watch you walk away again, Alex.”

Alex licked his lips. He knew this was it. If they fucked it up now, there was no going back. “You won’t. If I have to leave, you’re coming with me.”

“Oh am I?” Michael started to smile.

“Yes,” Alex nodded sharply. “Because I’m done leaving you behind. I want you with me. Always.”

“Always huh?” 

“If that’s alright with you.”

“Yeah,” Michael sighed, his smile widening. “Yeah, that’s okay with me.”

“Do you love me? Are you  _ in  _ love with me?” Alex parroted his words back. Michael stood up, his chair falling over behind him. 

“Yes.” He cupped Alex’s face and kissed him softly. It lasted only a moment before they both pulled back. They stared at each other breathlessly before smiling and diving back in.

Somehow, Alex genuinely did not know how or why, they ended up in the bed of Michael’s truck. His actual bed was  _ right there _ and yet Alex found himself bare assed on a ratty blanket. It wasn’t the first time but it never got more comfortable.

When the sun rose the next day, Alex tried to get Michael to get them their clothes or at the very least some coffee but the other man just rolled on top of Alex and kissed him until he forgot everything else.

At one point, later in the day when Michael made to his feet but hadn’t quite gotten around to finding their clothes, Alex thought he heard a car pull up. It was a Sunday and Sanders’ was closed but Alex really didn’t want someone to walk up and find him naked in Michael’s truck (he also didn’t want anyone to see Michael standing naked in front of him). But no one appeared so Alex distracted himself by playing with Michael’s hair until he convinced him that food was a necessity.

It took a while.

Alex was okay with that.


	3. he should've been honest

Michael had two ways of dealing with his issues: sex and mindless oblivion. Usually the oblivion came from acetone but in a pinch, stupid amounts of alcohol would do just fine. In the aftermath of everything that happened that night, he delved deep into both. When he surfaced, he lost himself in Maria. 

Being with her was like nothing he’d ever known. She was there when he needed a shoulder to cry on or a friend to try and make him laugh or slow, sensual kisses from someone who cared. Mindless sex was great, fantastic even, but sometimes he needed more and that’s when he went to Maria. A few weeks into their new relationship it occurred to him that she was expecting monogamy and while Michael understood that, even agreed with it usually, he couldn’t right now. He needed the escape of an anonymous fuck, of losing himself in the body of someone who didn’t care, who didn’t matter, and who wouldn’t be there in the morning. He needed it.

(Later, he’d realize he stopped all of that the night Alex scraped him off of the floor of the Saturn’s Rings. Turns out he didn’t need anonymous sex nearly as much as he needed Alex. He never did let himself look too closely at why he needed it with Maria.)

The first night was a mistake. He was a little drunk and a lot exhausted and Alex was  _ there _ . But then it kept happening. At first, Michael treated it much like he’d treated his string of one night stands, baseless and convenient.

Three months after Max died, nearly as long since he and Maria started their relationship, two months since he and Alex resumed having sex, he made his choice. He didn’t realize it at the time, wouldn’t realize for a long while in fact, but he did it without thinking. They were all at Max’s house, the latest brainstorm session of ‘how to save the sacrificial dumbass’ and instead of focusing on the plan to save his brother, Michael was focused on Alex. On how antsy he was, how he kept side stepping Maria, refusing to speak to her unless absolutely necessary. He felt it deep inside, the damage he’d done to both of them, to their friendship, but he didn’t know how to fix it. When Alex left that night, as soon as he could, Michael hesitated only a breath before making an excuse to follow. Maria was tense beside him and visibly upset at Alex’s behavior but Michael followed Alex.

“Hey,” Michael called as he jogged around the side of the house to see Alex climbing into his car.

Alex paused, one foot hanging out of the car, his hand on the door. “I thought we were done?” He glanced past Michael to the house.

Michael waved a hand. “Yeah, no, meetings over or whatever.”

“Then what?” Alex frowned. “I need to get home. Early morning.” Michael nodded absently as he pulled the car door open wider, Alex’s hand slipping from the inside handle and falling to Michael’s hip as he stepped in close. “Guerin?”

Michael kissed him firmly but quickly, barely giving Alex time to respond before pulling away. “I fucking hate this jacket,” he whispered as he grabbed Alex’s hips and twisted until both of Alex’s legs were hanging off the side of the seat. “And these stupid pants.” He kissed Alex again as he used his powers to undo the button and lower the zipper.

“Guerin,” Alex warned. “Maria-”

“Maria’s inside,” Michael cut him off with another kiss before falling to his knees and tugging Alex’s pants open enough to pull out his cock. Alex started to object again but all that came out was a strangled groan as Michael took him in his mouth. Michael didn’t bother teasing him, his goal here was to get Alex off as quickly as possible and he did, Alex’s hand in his hair guiding him as he sucked him off.

Alex came with a stifled yell just as the door to the house opened and Kyle and Rosa’s voices spilled out. Michael pulled off and jumped to his feet, turning away as Alex swung his legs in and slammed the door. He peeled out of the lot just as Kyle rounded the corner of the house, Rosa’s car starting up behind him.

“Was that Alex?” Kyle asked. “I thought he left a while ago?” Michael nodded, not turning around to face him. He knew his knees had to be dirty as hell and he wasn’t giving Kyle Valenti any kind of ammunition against him. “Guerin? Did you talk to him?”

Michael heard Kyle come up close behind him and finally turned, hoping that at this close of a distance, he wouldn’t be able to see the dirt on his jeans. “Yeah, we talked. Or yelled, I guess,” Michael barely held back a smirk. “He’s a big boy, he’s fine.” He clapped Kyle on the shoulder and pushed past him.

“He’s not.” Michael froze. “He’s not fine,” Kyle continued. “And he won’t be if you keep bothering him. If you care about him, Michael, leave him alone.” Michael didn’t bother answering as he walked back into the house. 

\---

Something about having sex with Alex so close to Maria spooked him a bit. After that night, Michael put more of an effort into being there for Maria, like she had been for him. She deserved more than him, he knew that, and he’d decided it was time he gave it to her.

He started small; more dates, more walks through town holding hands, more casual kisses. He had no idea how to date someone but he’d seen other people date enough that he could go through the motions. It was all about showing you care, particularly where other people could see how much you care about the other person. 

“You look good,” Isobel commented one night while they were having dinner. “Happy. Well, happier than I’ve seen you in a while.” She stole one of his fries and tossed it in her mouth. “Maria’s good for you.”

Michael wondered if she’d say the same thing if she knew he was fucking Alex every chance he got. Somehow he doubted it.

“Thanks,” he said instead. “I’m still trying to get a hang of this whole dating thing,” he admitted. “Never really been someone’s boyfriend before.”

“You kinda sucked at it first, not gonna lie,” she laughed. “But you’re getting better. Just make sure to show her you care. Bring her flowers every now and then. Or chocolates, if she likes that. You know, little presents that show you’re thinking about her.”

Michael nodded, thinking it over. Presents, he could do that.

\---

He might have gone overboard with the presents.

Well.

It wouldn’t be so bad if he honestly bought her something when he was thinking about her but instead it turned into him buying her something every time he slept with Alex.

He only really accepted how awful he was when he watched her show off the new earrings he’d bought for her to everyone at this birthday party. Michael stared at the gold jewelry that had cost him more than he could afford and all he could hear were the sounds Alex made as Michael rimmed him to tears. Michael had had the day off and instead of spending it with his girlfriend had driven out to Alex’s cabin with coffee and churro pancakes in hand and woken Alex up with breakfast in bed. They didn’t leave the bedroom until it was time for dinner. That night as he drove out to the Wild Pony for a date with Maria, Michael had stopped by the jewelry store and picked something out for her. Now, the sight of them was enough to make Michael relive that day. 

“Hey, birthday boy,” Maria pressed a light kiss to his lips. “You having fun? You’ve been quiet.”

Michael wrapped his arms around her waist and bent his neck to kiss her deeply. He loved and hated that she was shorter than him. Loved it because she fit nicely in his arms. Hated it because it felt  _ wrong _ . (It had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t need to with Alex. Nothing at all.) “Thank you for the party,” he murmured against her lips. Maria and Liz had organized the small party for him and Isobel. They’d known that neither would feel up to celebrating without Max so they’d put together something small, unwilling to let the day go by without any celebration at all.

“You’re welcome,” she draped her arms over his shoulders and kissed him again. “I just wish you were having more fun.” She scraped her fingers through the curls at the back of his neck and he scrunched his shoulders up to shrug her off instinctively. Maria moved her hand without comment, used to the reaction. “I know you miss Max.” 

He did, but truthfully, right now he was missing Alex more. He’d had months to get used to Max being gone but it felt wrong to be celebrating anything without Alex here with him. “I do,” he replied. “It’s weird, having only the two of us to celebrate.”

Maria took his hand. “Come on. Isobel’s finally starting to let loose. You should join her.” She jerked her head to where Isobel was in fact letting loose on the dancefloor and led Michael over.

“Mikey!” Liz called, Rosa echoing her a second later. “Dance with me.”

“I don’t dance,” Michael laughed but didn’t resist as Liz took his hand from Maria and dragged him over to Isobel. Isobel slung an arm over his shoulder and hugged him awkwardly.

“Happy birthday to us!” She’d dipped into the acetone early, he knew, but it still didn’t mask the sadness in her eyes.

His smile didn’t reach his own eyes. “Happy birthday to us.”

He begged off soon after, citing tiredness or a desire to be away from all reminders of his brother or maybe he didn’t bother with an excuse, he didn’t really know. The second he stepped outside, the music fading as the doors shut behind him, he had his phone in his hand and Alex’s number on the screen. Michael debated calling him as he walked the short distance to his truck. He wanted to talk to him, he did, but it was his birthday and Alex should be the one calling  _ him _ , right?

Michael tucked the phone away as he yanked the door open and froze. There was a box sitting on his seat, neatly wrapped in bright paper. Michael glanced around the empty parking lot before hopping in and pulling the gift into his lap. He’d gotten a few gifts already but they’d all come from people still inside the bar. The only person who could’ve left this was-

  
Michael tore open the paper to reveal a nondescript brown box underneath. He used his keys to cut the tape and pull open the flaps. Inside were a few small items: some old photos, a keychain Michael had lost in high school, a usb drive labeled Mara, the t-shirt he’d bought at the Eagles game Alex took him to. Michael stared at the contents, not quite believing what he was seeing. It was like Alex had found every piece of Michael left in his life and given it back. Michael tried to see it as a birthday gift, as if Alex was just giving him thoughtful reminders of their life, but he couldn’t help staring at the items and remembering every romantic movie ever made where one person returned the others belongings after a breakup. 

He was halfway out to the cabin before he even processed what was happening. It was late, his birthday almost over when he pulled up outside, but there was a light on in the window. The clock ticked over past midnight as he made his way to the front door. It opened before he got there, Alex filling the space, not giving an inch.

“Happy birthday,” he greeted quietly and something in Michael clenched tight. 

“Why’d you give this to me?” Michael wasn’t sure what answer he was looking for. He just knew it couldn’t be goodbye.

“It’s yours.” Alex was staring at the box in his hands, Michael realized as he tore his eyes up to see him.

“Alex.”

Alex sighed and leaned against the door frame. “It’s all your stuff, Guerin. I’m just giving it back to you.”

Michael stared at him, hearing the goodbye he hadn’t said, and he snapped. No way. No way was Alex telling him goodbye. Not now. Michael dropped the box, hopefully inside the door, as he crashed into Alex. Alex gave under his touch, any resistance he may have tried to have fading away as Michael kissed him. 

That night, Michael took extra care with every touch. He couldn’t say the words, not yet, not like this, but he tried to show Alex, show him that he didn’t look away and he wasn’t going to leave. He burned his touch into Alex’s body and Alex positively melted into it. 

When they finally sank into the sheets, sweaty and exhausted, Alex pulled him into a deep kiss. He dragged it out, again and again, every time Michael tried to pull away. It was like he thought it would be their last kiss and he was milking it for all he could. 

“Don’t forget to lock the door when you leave,” he murmured as he drifted off to sleep a while later.

Michael didn’t lock the door. He didn’t leave.

\---

His gift giving got a little more out of control after that. For every night he spent in Alex’s bed, for every breakfast he ate with him at the tiny little table in his kitchen, Michael bought a bouquet of flowers for Maria. It was a shoddy attempt to soothe the guilt but the smile it put on her face was worth it, he told himself.

It had to be. He didn’t know if he could let this relationship fail. She’d been so good to him, he couldn’t let her down. Not when he couldn’t have a relationship with Alex.

\---

He let her down.

He didn’t even know when it happened. Max took his first breath in seven months and Maria disappeared. 

“How long?” Was not the greeting he expected when he followed her back to her apartment. She had a mostly full bottle on the table in front of her and she pounded back a shot as he stared.

“How lo-?”

“How long have you and Alex been back together?” She pounded back another shot but Michael barely registered it. The blood was pounding in his ears. How did she know? How had he screwed up?

Later, he wouldn’t quite be able to remember this conversation, much of it lost to his internal screaming. All he really took away from it was Maria’s firm belief that Alex was in love with him.

But he wasn’t. 

Was he?

Michael would know.

Wouldn’t he?

Michael avoided the Wild Pony and pretty much everyone he knew for the next couple of days. He spent some time with Max, and enough time with Liz to realize Maria hadn’t told her anything, but other than that, he threw himself into his work and lost himself to the mindless tasks, his mind working overtime to analyze every interaction he and Alex had had in the past few months. There were a lot of them.

Six days after Max’s resurrection, after his relationship with Maria crashed in a fiery explosion, Alex showed up unannounced as he was relaxing after work. He couldn’t bring himself to embrace anonymous sex so he’d turned to his second favorite vice but Alex interrupted him before he could even get the bottle open. 

“Do you love me? Are you in love with me?” He asked as soon as Alex stepped out of his car. He didn’t bother waiting for Alex to walk over, he knew he could hear him just fine from where he was and the words were begging to be said. 

Alex waited until he was standing in front of Michael to answer, “yes.” Like it was that easy. And maybe it was. Maybe all Michael really needed was to hear Alex say it. From there, it just seemed to work itself out. They said all the right things, all of the things the other needed to hear, as they drifted closer together until they ultimately left language behind altogether and turned to what they knew best. They’d always communicated better without words anyway.

\---

Surprisingly, Maria kept their affair to herself. Michael and Alex had braced themselves to be persona non grata when they finally went out in public together but other than a few disappointed looks from Liz and some worried glances from Kyle, no one really said anything. 

“Hey,” Michael greeted quietly when he finally got Maria on her own a few weeks after their breakup.

Maria froze, her hand stilling as she opened a bottle of wine. “What do you want?”

“I just- you haven’t-” Michael stopped. “You didn’t tell anyone about me and Alex?”

Maria laughed coldly. “You think I want to advertise the fact that my boyfriend spent our entire relationship fucking his ex? No thank you, I don’t need that humiliation.”

“Maria-”

“It can stay our dirty little secret, Guerin. You’re good at those, right?” Michael looked away. “Look, if you ever decide you want to bare your soul or whatever, don’t. As far as anyone in this town will ever be concerned, you and Alex got back together right after we broke up. A dick move for sure, but less humiliating than the truth.”

“If that’s what you want.” Michael didn’t understand it. He’d figured Maria would tell everyone how awful he’d been, they’d been.

Maria scoffed. “Yeah. That’s what I want.” She popped the cork out and grabbed two glasses. “I realize you’ve never given a shit what I want, but try. Just this once.” She contorted her body so she wouldn’t have to touch him as she squeezed through the doorway. Michael heard her freeze a moment later, the glasses clinking together in her hand. “Move,” she ordered coldly.

Michael turned around to see Maria and Alex facing off in the hallway. After a beat, Alex turned to the side and let Maria pass without a word. “You okay?” Alex cupped his neck, his thumb rubbing gently along his jawline. Michael stared after Maria for a moment before nodding and turning to Alex.

“She doesn’t want anyone to know about the affair.”

Alex nodded. “Okay. So we don’t tell anyone.”

“I just feel like that’s being unfair to her.”

“Michael,” Alex sighed. “You remember how Isobel felt when she found out Noah had been having affairs for years?” Michael did. And he hated himself in that moment for making Maria feel like that. 

He nodded. “No one needs to know.”

Maria came back, two empty bottles in her hand to throw in the recycling bin. Her steps stuttered when she saw them but she powered through and shoved her way between them without a word. She tossed the bottles away and was halfway down the hall before she stopped and turned. “It was just Alex right?” 

“Just?”

Maria swallowed. “You cheated on me with Alex,” she paused. “ _ Just _ Alex, right?”

Michael glanced at Alex then looked at the floor. Alex didn’t say anything but he knew as well as Michael did that Michael hadn’t been a monk and he hadn’t ever been monogamous with Maria.

“Fuck you,” Maria spit out. “You fucking bastard.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael told her sincerely when he looked up to see her eyes glistening. He couldn’t tell if they were tears or just sheer anger but he took a step towards her. Maria instantly took a step back.

“Fuck. You.” She spun on her heel and was gone before either man could say anything more.

“Well,” Alex said after a moment. “That went about as well as could be expected.”

Michael glared at him. “Whose side are you on?”

“Don’t give me that look, you were an asshole.”

Michael sighed and slumped against the wall. “Yeah. I know.”

Alex crowded against him until their hips were flush, his arms braced on the wall next to Michael’s head. “Lucky for you, I like assholes.” Michael raised an eyebrow and Alex rolled his eyes. “Not like tha- well,” he paused, considering, until Michael laughed and kissed him. Alex pulled away smiling until he pressed a hand against Michael’s chest, close to his throat, and pinned him to the wall. “You ever think of cheating on me, though, and I will make you regret ever having a dick.”

“I promise,” Michael pushed against the hand but couldn’t get very far. He settled for dragging Alex in to meet his lips. “Never going to happen.”


End file.
